Tales from the Rectory Basement - The Lyrics

Tales from the Rectory Basement Tales from the Rectory Basement Back

01. The Attention Artist
I’ve been up here for 42 days
I’m starving myself in artistic craze
Suspended up for everyone to see
	So they’ll pay attention to me

I look tortured for all the crowds
I think I’ll cover myself with shrouds
I’m killing my body but I don’t care
	So they’ll pay attention to me

	Maybe my momma didn’t love me
	All the other kids thought they were above me
		Maybe me daddy liked to touch me
	So I sit up in this box
	All the Brits pelt me with rocks
		But I don’t care as long as
		I get all their attention

I’ll be in the hospital for weeks
I’ll let the press photograph my sunken cheeks
I’ll sit on ice I’ll climb flagpoles
	So they’ll pay attention to me
	They'll pay attention to me...

02. OC Thug
(Please note, this is an observation of a species
indigenous to an area of Southern California called 
Huntington Beach, a love place full of some not so lovely people...)

He’s got close cropped hair
And a shiny white truck
He’s from the streets of Westminster
And he likes it rough
Wherever he goes
Follows a shroud of bleached rap
No one can touch him
He’s just too hot
So blast that brown candy
You Orange County dandy

	The thug life’s just like
	Playing little league
	But be careful he’s got
	His own flaming piece
	And when such a sensitive guy
	Has got a girl in his eye
	Don’t get in his way
	Cuz a playa’s gotta play

I see them walking
Down the street so tough
A dime a dozen
But they don’t care
They’re so different
But their look they share
Jesus they don’t have
Any fucking shame
They came they saw
They seized and they came
			It’s a modern day love affair
			But no one really cares
			She’s his baby he’s her man
			And they admit it deadpan
			They don’t got no self respect
			And thought is something we can’t expect
			I don’t care if they’re mental elves
			I hope they marry and hang themselves

	The thug life’s just like
	Playing little league
	But be careful he’s got
	His own flaming piece
	And when such a sensitive guy
	Has got a girl in his eye
	Don’t get in his way
	Cuz a playa’s gotta play

03. Harry Ape
I'm sorry that I have a dick
I'm sorry that I don't have tits
I know that I was born a pig
Just because I have a prick

And I know that I oppress
All those born with breasts
I'm stupid and white, or so they say
But let them hang me another day
	What happened to you when you
	When you were young
	Was it so bad that
	You have to come on so strong?
	Am I an easy target	
	Picked out in the dark
	Do you really hate me?
	Is your tongue really that sharp?
	It's really my fault
	Just as much as it is yours
	Should we play charades
	Until we both get bored?

Through the mask I heard it clear
Even though I wasn't there
Gorilla Mask accusing me
Of something that I couldn't be

I wasn't there I wouldn't know
Just do what you think you think is right
And please don't let me interrupt
Your fabricated projection show

	What is the difference anyway
	Between what I do and what I say
	You pegged me at square one you know
	I guess I'm something if you say so
	I know that you're so goddamn PC
	To maintain your image you must hate me
	Maybe it's just because I don't bleed
	Every thirty something days
	But that's OK, yeah that's OK

04. Poverty and Pornography
It was on the front page of the news...

05. Hi, My Name is Lance

Won’t you be the girl of my dreams
Won’t you please get on your knees
You know that I’d love you so
You know I’d never let you go

My heart is the organ between my legs
So suck down another keg
Let’s move down another peg
And let my heart between your legs

	I bought a shiny white truck
	With custom buffed rims
	Hi, my name is Lance
	Won’t you sleep with me

When you’re my woman I’ll be your man
Then maybe you’ll understand
I’ll treat objects far better than you
You’ll wish you’re dead before we’re through

	It’s so sad we think life’s in a song
	Sitting around whining about what’s wrong
	We act out lyrics until we’re dead
	Or until we’re collapsed in the head

		Oh but it’s deep down in my heart
		You know I loved you from the start
		I’ve run out of pop song things to say
		So let me put it in the other way
		Let me put it in, the other way

06. True Lies
Oh Arnold, oh Arnold
Won’t you show us the way
Oh Arnold, oh Arnold
Come and save the day

	Lead us through this dangerous pass
	And we’ll forget your fascist past
	Terminate all my Mexican friends
	Make the means justify the ends

Oh Arnold, oh Arnold
Won’t you show us the way?
Oh Arnold, oh Arnold
Come and save the day

		They say your father was a Nazi
		That I cannot see
		So go and write new laws
		In your German tongue
		We’ll all vote for you
		Despite the fact that you’re dumb
		“It’s not a tumor”, you once said
		But you’re the tumor in my head
		Yes, you're the tumor in my head

	At least you can’t be president
	Unless you set a precedent
	You’re an actor just like Reagan
	I hope we don’t all get taken
	You hate gays isn’t that enough?
	So why make getting abortions tough?
	If you get elected I’ll kill myself
	But maybe not since it’s bad for my health

Oh Arnold, oh Arnold
Come and pump us up
Oh Arnold, oh Arnold
I’ve watched you since I was a pup
Oh Arnold, oh Arnold
It’s too bad I have Total Recall
Oh Arnold, oh Arnold
On recall issues you stall
Oh Arnold, oh Arnold
But you did give us Twins
Oh Arnold, oh Arnold
Everybody loses if you wins

07. Dixie Tricks
Some people say what they mean
And they mean what they say
Now you know I wouldn’t have it
Any other way
But then there are those who
Start speaking their mind
Then start backpeddling like
They’re committing a crime

	I’m not going to 
	Speak and take offense
	Or say what I feel and then
	Worry about capital offense
	(So fuck it and fuck you)
	You heard what I said
	I don’t even care if
	It makes me end up dead

We sit around thinking
About all that’s wrong
But we wouldn’t dare say it
In the form of a song
This apathy will
Eat us all alive
And force us in that friendly jet plane
And go take a nose dive

		When the radio won’t play your records
		Then you know what’s the score
		Your personal freedom doesn’t matter
		If the money’s in the store
		Let’s all forget exactly
		What I just said
		My idea of freedom is
		Damaging my head

	I just don’t care about it
	Any old way
	And I won’t be satisfied
	Until I’ve had my say
	So speak you mind and then
	You know I’m not you
	So I keep closed my thighs

08. Autoerotic Asphyxiation
Me and my rubber hose
He knows just where to goes
I put him around my neck
For that extra kick
I hope that my parents
Never find this out
Then they won’t let me be
A sexy, sexy boy scout

	Scoutmaster please
	Stop caressing me
	I don’t want your fudgecicle
	Jammed inside of me
	Everyone thinks you’re great
	But you’re the one I hate
	Now I’ll limp for a month
	I just can’t thank you enough

So they hushed it all up
I’m not dead so I must be tough
I’ve got an office job
And a wife I call “Rob”
We scarf all day and night
And she don’t put up a fight
Until one day I heard
All of her breathing stop

	But jail ain’t that bad
	It’s more than I ever had
	Now my scoutmaster and me
	Can live in harmony
	And all the rubber we need
	Plus security
	Although it’s always best
	If we join in with the rest
	Autoerotic Asphyxiation 

		But now I’m free
		I’m free as can be
		And I’ve joined the NSC
		And been given the magic key
		To war we go to war we’ll stay
		I wouldn’t have it any other way
		We get George, and Colin, and Dicky too
		And I’ll let them piss on me and poo
		We’re just a happy family
		As long as we’ve got sodomy
		Until one day I’ll choke and die
		And I bet they’ll get away with it too

09. MOhammed Johnson Has a Bad Day
I woke up in a prison cell
Boy my ass hurt like hell
Couldn’t remember where I’d been
Or what time I had come in

But then I remembered part of my tale
And I’ll tell you, if I am able

It started off by a high school
She was fifteen going on thirty-four
As soon as she went down I know I was in trouble
But that didn’t bust my pleasure bubble

But oh and then there was the crack house
I had cops following me around
My name is Mohammed but I’m not Muslim
But with the FBI there wasn’t a care to be found

So I got back after burying Heather
Put the pipe to my lips and sucked away
Noticed a sign that said pilots wanted
So I got up and inquired within

So you’re wondering how the story ends
And how I got put in jail again
They got me for spitting on the sidewalk
But the story’s stupid so who gives a fuck?

10. The Rhythm of Dick Cheney's Bionic Heart
I have got so many things to say
I could waste the entire day
Let me let me and I’ll let you
And by then we’ll be on our way

I get so tired sometimes 
I wish I could slip back in time
The same old shit day after day
There has to be another way

	Why should I even try
	When all I do is sanitized
	I mean my words I say them well
	But still I’m stuck here in this hell

I feel like I keep repeating myself
Or maybe it’s just the world going round
If I screamed would it make a sound
If I look will I ever be found

	Why should I even try
	When all I do is sanitized
	I mean my words I say them well
	But still I’m stuck here in this hell

I hate noise... all you lying angel people... etc...